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Morning, Colleague!
And happy Tuesday. I hope you had a great bank holiday, whether you were working, resting, or not doing either particularly well (a personal specialty).
Today I wanted to cover a topic I think about every time I open Twitter: professional jealousy.
[Technically, I think it should be ‘professional envy’ — being covetous of someone else’s opportunities, but I think ‘professional jealousy’ as a phrase has more bite. And the feeling, for me at least, combines elements of the suspicion and rivalry that go hand-in-hand with jealousy. Call it linguistic licence!]
Do you ever have days where it seems like everyone else is winning at life, while you’re sinking in quicksand? When you find out that someone half your age (and half as qualified) has received a big break? Or your whole Twitter feed is packed with contemporaries holding awards, announcing book deals, or rubbing shoulders with the great and good?
It’s funny how you can start the day feeling upbeat about work, and all it takes is one little glimpse into someone else’s career for a total mood crash/existential crisis/hissy fit/your preferred method of breakdown.
I appreciate it doesn’t make me sound like a very nice person, but while I do often feel happy for others (especially writers I rate, or friends — or both!) it’s hard to silence the insecure ‘what about me’ voice that generally follows.
I fail to believe it’s just me feeling this way.
Actually, I have it on good authority that it happens to the majority of us, according to Olivia James, a Harley Street anxiety specialist and confidence coach. “Professional jealousy can drag you down or fuel you,” she says. “It makes me think of that Gore Vidal quote: ‘every time a friend succeeds something inside me dies’.”
It is, Olivia agrees, a frustrating experience that even she’s not immune to: “I’ve had several missed opportunities recently that have gone to someone much less qualified, and could have made a real difference to my income. I was really pissed off!”
I think it’s probably worse when you’re self-employed. Yes, in traditional employment it’s galling to be passed over for a promotion, or miss out on an interesting project, but when it’s just you against the world it’s easy to feel completely overlooked. On bad days I end up feeling invisible, and like I have to work twice as hard – if not more – than someone in an office who’s owed a duty of care from an employer (not to mention having numerous colleagues in your corner... in theory, at least.)
The problem is that apart from tanking your mood, a cold shard of jealousy to the heart can be cripplingly demotivating and interfere with your day’s (or even week’s) work. So how can we start to tackle the green-eyed monster? “My philosophy is that, like an athlete, you have to stick to your ‘training programme’, and remember that you’ll win some and lose some,” says Olivia.
In other words, get your head down and focus on the work that needs doing, however frustrating it can feel when you’ve just seen someone you went to school with smugging about all over your social.
(Sorry to pick on you, Kim, it’s just you do intimidated-yet-envious so well)
Of course, like most modern problems, professional jealousy is exacerbated by social media. It’s all too easy to suggest a social media ban as the solution – and by all means go ahead if you can – but many of us rely on these platforms for our work in the first place, whether for marketing, meeting new clients, or generally because it’s ‘the done thing’ in our industry. So it’s a matter of learning to live with it.
“During the pandemic, social media has become the whole world for us, in many ways. Most of the time people obviously present a very edited version of themselves,” says Olivia. “Even when they share sad posts, it’s still a curated version. As they say, you can’t compare other people’s outsides to your insides.”
And that’s another interesting point about professional envy: while it feels like pure egotism, it’s actually closely linked to impostor syndrome. “There’s a dichotomy going on when we feel jealous,” explains Olivia. “On the one hand, you’re thinking ‘I should have got that gig, I deserve it more than them,’ but on the other there’s the voice of your inner critic popping up, and saying ‘actually, maybe I’m not good enough’. It’s a mixture of grandiosity and insecurity.” What a delightful combination — it’s no wonder we end up feeling so shit.
The result of seeing a triggering post, for me at least, is the ‘woe is me’ spiral: a mixture of self-pity and rage in equal measure. (‘Why her? Why not me? Surely I’ve tried everything I can, and it’s just not working…wah, wah wah.) Happily, it seems that, in moderation at least, this is relatively healthy behaviour.
“It’s fine to be pissed off for a bit. I would advise calling a friend and having a bit of a rant. Laugh about it, and regroup. Ultimately it is a choice, and if you go on too long you’ll end up in a learnt helplessness response, where part of you gives up,” warns Olivia. “Wallow for a bit, but if you wallow for too long, the person you’re envious of will get another break. It’s time for proactive, small steps. Write a paragraph, tick something small off your list.”
Olivia is a fan of the book Atomic Habits, which suggests making ‘micro-changes’ each day, that eventually add up and become significant. “You can keep a list on the fridge of changes, such as having a glass of water when you wake up, or exercising for 20 minutes each day, and tick them off, so you have a visual representation of what you’ve achieved,” she says. The same would work well for career gains too, whether it’s pitching/cold contacting prospective clients once per day, engaging with customers on social media for 10 minutes, or any other tiny tasks that will add up over the weeks and months to make an impact on your career.
If you’re struggling with professional jealousy…I get it. It’s particularly tough at the moment, after such a difficult period for so many self-employed people. Some are sharing their lockdown successes (and obviously, no shame if that’s you), while others feel like they’re lucky to have just survived. It’s an uneven, stressy time, where we’re all just trying to re-find our feet. Again, a sporting metaphor is apt: “Like an athlete that’s lost a game, get back on your training programme, and take some chances. Be proactive, not reactive,” says Olivia.
Let’s not forget that Kim Kardashian, photographed above looking immensely jealous of Paris Hilton, went on to become richer and more famous than her former boss — talk about letting professional envy fuel you to bigger and better things. Eyes on the prize, Colleague.
Come and vent about your own professional jealousy (or anything else) in the new Out Of Office Colleagues Facebook group.
I wanted to mention an event which might be of interest to some of you. Virtually Done is hosting a two-day virtual business event, featuring sessions on finance for small businesses, the science of sales, DIY branding, and everything you need to know about the legal side of business. There’s an early bird offer until the end of this week, which includes a discounted rate and a free business templates package. Have a look here.