How to stop self sabotaging
When your own worst enemy is... you
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COME AND HANG OUT with me and other self-employed folk! Let’s have a post-work Zoom drink on Friday, 20th Nov, because I need something to look forward to. Free tickets here.
Morning, Colleague!
How are you finding the new lockdown so far? I have definitely noticed more newbie runners out on my previously quiet route. (Also, runners, talk to me: where can I get some thermal-ish gear for the colder months?)
This week I want to talk about an issue that affects, I would imagine, everyone at some point in their life. Self sabotage. It’s a phrase that’s been doing the rounds lately, but the phenomenon itself has been a problem for as long as there have been ambitious people trying to get shit done.
It’s certainly something I can struggle with, particularly when there are jobs I know need doing, that I just don’t fancy. I love writing these letters, but feel immediately exhausted at the thought of setting up an Instagram page for Out Of Office, even though I’m sure it could help me reach more people.
Sometimes, of course, the answer is outsourcing (read all about that here), but often there’s no good reason not to get on with it yourself.
Could you be holding yourself back professionally?
At its heart, the inclination to self sabotage is rooted in your attitude and confidence. “It’s a broad term with many layers to it, but it’s essentially examining whether your thoughts are more positive or negative,” says start-up mentor and emotional support coach Ekua Cant (Ekua has a new book out this month - Be Your No1 Cheerleader - which is top of my to-read pile.) “Ask yourself if you speak in an optimistic way or a doubtful way – this can help you recognise that you might have deeper issues.”
In news that will surprise precisely no one, women tend to struggle with self sabotage more than men. “Women often suffer from lower confidence – it’s that age-old adage that women won’t apply for a job unless they tick every box, but men will, even if they only have a few of the requisite skills,” says Ekua. “We need to stop striving for perfection, and be confident that we know enough.”
So in a way, battling your self sabotaging demons is the ultimate feminist act! Here’s how to start.
Get comfortable with risk
In a nutshell, self sabotage is a result of anxiety, which can be a paralysing feeling. “Fear and the desire to manage risk can lead to procrastination,” says Ekua. “You might be aware of an internal dialogue that’s stopping you from doing things that most people would consider normal activity.”
Left your tax returns to the last minute? Struggling to send out invoices even though it would only take a few minutes? These could all be signs that you’re stuck inside your head.
One piece of advice I’ve always liked – from business coach Katie Woodland (who I interviewed last week) – is that feeling fearful about your work is actually a sign that you’re doing it right. Essentially, we’re hard-wired to want safety, and anything that our subconscious perceives as a risk (even a good risk, like expanding your business) will result in anxiety to some degree.
There is, of course, a spectrum of risk and we all have to work within our own comfort levels. For example, creating this newsletter was a risk in terms of my time and energy – I gave up work hours during which I could have been pitching and writing paid articles, in the hope that this project would be a success. But I didn’t need to re-mortgage my house to do so, and I was still able to take a certain amount of paid work, so it fell within my own preferred risk level.
Consider whether the risks you’re currently making are reasonable – it’s likely you can create a good back-up plan, or break things down into baby steps so it doesn’t feel as daunting.
Teamwork makes the dream work
As with so many problems in life, turning to others is a great way out of a rut - but be careful who you ask for advice. Knowing you’ve got a deadline looming might, according to Ekua, make you feel drawn to unsupportive people.
“Some people who are in this procrastination rut might ask advice from people who can be the harshest critics, because they think their advice will be better. But that isn’t true, and might leave you in a cycle of feeling down on yourself.
“When you’re self-employed it’s important to be part of supportive groups that can hold you accountable, help you think through things, and ask the questions you need to ask, without making you feel stupid.”
You might like to start by visiting the OOO Facebook group, which is full of like-minded self-employed women.
Write it down
If you’re not sure what exactly is going on inside your head, putting pen to paper is a great go-to exercise.
“Spend 30 minutes writing in a journal about whatever is on your mind,” says Ekua. “If you’re not sure where to start, write about a hobby. When you look back on it, look at how you ‘talk’ about yourself. Am I saying ‘Lizzy is great at swimming,’ or ‘Lizzy really needs to improve her swimming, it’s not good enough’?”
Hate writing? “Record a voice note instead,” says Ekua.
Once you get a clear idea of how you speak about yourself internally (and, most likely, externally too) you can start to consciously correct those behaviours, and stop doing yourself down. Which brings us nicely on to…
Big up your wins
One easy way to shut down those nasty inner voices is to choose to celebrate the things that have gone well. “When we are in the mindset of acknowledging what we’ve done well, we’re better able to think clearly and be resilient,” says Ekua. “Trying to build muscles in your mind to celebrate your wins when you’re not used to it isn’t easy, but it can help stop a spiral of negative thoughts.”
We’re certainly big on celebrations in this house (any excuse to crack open the fizz!) and I feel it’s especially important when you work for yourself. No one’s ever going to praise you in a meeting or offer you a surprise promotion, so all the more reason to clock off early after getting through a tricky task, or buy yourself something nice for reaching a milestone.
What are your little (or big) wins this week? Hit reply – I’d love to hear about them!
When self sabotage gets serious
There is also a very real connection between low confidence in your work, and mental health issues such as depression or anxiety. If you’re struggling more days than not, and your lack of confidence is affecting other areas of your life, it’s worth speaking to your GP, or considering counselling.
“It can be hard when you’re having doubts and fear as well as depression, as you end up at war with yourself,” says Ekua. “There are no easy answers but finding a safe space and working with professionals, whether you would benefit from medication, CBT or something else, will help you to thrive.”
There’s no doubt about it, Colleague, it’s tough right now. But we’re all out here, doing our best in a flipping international pandemic. Cut yourself some slack, bolster your mental health as best you can, and don’t forget - you’re not alone in this.
Please come along for a post-work Zoom drinks session on Friday 20th. It’s free! Don’t make me drink alone.
Have you watched The Witches yet? While the mice were CGI, they were based on real, trained mice belonging to the wonderful Grace Dickinson. Read more about how she makes self-employment work for her here.
Have you made any lockdown 2.0 resolutions? I want to learn to crochet - any advice would be gladly welcomed.