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Morning, colleague!
This week, something a bit different.
I have lots of articles in the bank for the coming months, but instead of encouraging your focus or boosting your skills in one area or another, I just wanted to take this week to say: god, this is really hard, isn’t it?
Since Christmas (actually, since about November…) work has been like wading through treacle. I’ve found myself clocking off earlier and earlier each day, and dicking about on Twitter more than ever.
As I’ve mentioned before, it’s extra tough for us self-employed lot to stay on track without a boss or colleagues looking over our shoulders. And without the joy of normal life, it’s easy to feel lacklustre or even jaded when considering your professional goals for 2021. What I will say is – try to remember why you’re doing this.
I’ve found it a really helpful exercise over the past fortnight to remember all the things I loathed about working in an office. Helpfully I have recurrent nightmares about two of them so the details are pretty fresh.
(Quick disclaimer: I’ve had a handful of staff journalism jobs, and the majority were dreadful. One was a lovely experience, and I’m still very much friends with the team and editor there. However, the purpose of this exercise is very much to dwell on the crap times.)
Office jobs I have hated
My first proper desk job was often joyless. I was trained by a slightly older journalist who took an instant dislike to me. She made my time there miserable – criticising my work, being extremely curt, and failing to hand over properly (I was always too scared to ask follow up questions so spent lots of unnecessary time working things out as I went along.)
This was also coupled by – common theme alert – the threat of redundancy. We were constantly pulled into meetings with grim-faced HR reps, telling us that cuts were coming, and either a) we’d lose our jobs or b) remain, but with double the workload.
It was frequently implied – another common thread – that I was lucky to have a job. Now I appreciate that journalism is extremely competitive, and I was fortunate to get a foot in the door (although I had also worked hard to get there). But not to the detriment of everything else. It doesn’t feel that lucky when you’re miserable every day, even if it IS a competitive field. My boss once told me that the world didn’t owe me a living, which was company policy I guess, as I earned so little. I was discouraged from rising up the ranks in any way, so the expectation was that I should be happy to earn peanuts for the rest of my life.
I was – and am – deeply ambitious. It’s part of who I am. And until I started work, I had always seen it as a positive attribute. Who wouldn’t want someone bubbling with ideas, eager to work hard, and keen for promotion? Boy, was I wrong about that! I have consistently been made to feel ‘too much’ throughout my various staff jobs. Too ambitious, too enthusiastic. I take up too much room. In a different job, I once had a colleague complain about me to my boss within my first month for ‘sending her too many ideas’. The message has always been clear: stay in your lane; keep your head down; be grateful.
Well, I’ll tell you what. I wasn’t particularly grateful. I wasn’t grateful to be bullied every day. I wasn’t grateful to be doing solely tedious tasks when I had more to offer. I wasn’t grateful for a lack of training or scope for future promotion. I wasn’t grateful to spend 8+ hours a day in the company of people I hated. I certainly wasn’t grateful for the paltry pay packet.
Don’t get me wrong - I have had jobs that I’ve been grateful for. It’s just that gratitude should be a two-way street. My employers ought to have been grateful to have me working hard for them every day too. But this is how capitalism works: it fills people with fear so they become trapped and unhappy, while expecting them to be grateful (but that’s a whole other article…!)
Another job I had – when I was much more experienced and earning a little more (but nothing to write home about) – was even worse. I was asked to cover another member of staff who was on long-term sick leave, without any extra pay or reduction in my existing duties. (My union said I didn’t have any rights as I hadn’t worked there long enough. So much for the ‘security’ of employment).
It didn’t help that I was also looking after a family member after cancer treatment. I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I got shingles from the stress. And guess what? I was made redundant on my colleague’s return. (Funnily enough, when they asked me to apply for my role + two other people’s roles all balled up into a ‘great new opportunity’, I declined…)
The conclusion I’d reached by that point was: just because a staff job comes with a sense of ‘security’ (which I would dispute based on my experiences anyway), it does not make it worth giving up everything else in your life.
I know everyone’s work is different, and you’re perhaps feeling ground down by the demands of customers or clients, or are struggling to make ends meet this month. It’s so hard at the moment. But remember what being self-employed can offer - apart from anything else, no one can ever make you redundant! (One of the first things my husband, also self-employed, said to me when I went freelance was: ‘you’re un-fireable now!’ And it’s stuck with me.)
Whatever curveballs freelancing has thrown at me, I never have to hide or feel ashamed about who I am. I’m an ambitious woman who wants to write about lots of different topics for lots of different publications. I like working with a range of people, and being friendly with editors, experts and other self-employed folk. I like being able to stop work and take a proper break when I know I’m just messing around – rather than clock watching until an arbitrary time. I like being able to go for a run when the sun comes out. I like being here when my cat decides it’s time for a cuddle. I like starting my own passion projects, setting my own goals and celebrating my wins. Working for myself has allowed me the space to rebuild confidence that’s been repeatedly knocked in office life.
If you’re finding things tough right now, I’d encourage you to think back on past office jobs, and times when people have made you feel like you’re either too much or not enough. Self-employment is often thankless and precarious, but for me the benefits still outweigh the uncertainties.
I’d absolutely love to hear about your crap experiences of employment – big or small. It might make a nice future issue to pull all of them together and bask in the glory of escaping the fuckwittery.
Hang in there, colleague. It’s rough out there for everyone right now. If you can, take an afternoon off here and there to put yourself first. Here’s to being un-fireable.
For more of a morale boost, stay tuned for February which I’m making Self-Love Month (less rude than it sounds). OOO will be focusing on all things emotional, as well as practical advice, to help you fall back in love with working for yourself.
Love Out Of Office? Consider forwarding this issue to a friend.
Don’t be shy - let me know how you’re doing work-wise, and if there’s anything you’d like to see OOO cover (just hit reply).
I needed this yesterday when my old boss contacted me to ask to do some cover teaching online. I saw the title of the newsletter and chuckled. I said no! Needless to say working there was not a thrill - similar tales of being shot down when suggesting things for improvement, and people being actively UNHELPFUL and being totally overwhelmed. Cheers - Rebecca