Burn Out City, population: me
How I'm coming back from exhaustion with help from Jeff Goldblum
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Event klaxon! Hope to see some of you at 11am for our free International Women’s Day coffee chat.
Happy International Women’s Day, Colleague!
I try to keep this newsletter a positive space, packed with tips from experts to help you grow your business (while staying sane). But sometimes I think it’s equally helpful to know that other people are struggling. I’ve certainly found during accountability sessions that there’s a communal sense of relief when we all ‘confess’ to the same issues. So, here I am, live from Burn Out City.
Hello, my name is Lizzy, and I have a problem with relaxation.
It’s actually been a life-long issue – when I rang my mum this week to talk about feeling awful, I said: ‘I can’t understand it, because this week is relatively quiet compared to the previous fortnight.’ She reminded me that, as a child, I always got struck with a stinking cold or flu as soon as the school holidays rolled around. It’s like my body senses that my guard is down, and it actually has the strange luxury of getting ill without major consequences. I guess the pandemic means it’s missed out on the normal bugs, and has had to self-sabotage in order to catch a break.
If I’m honest, I’m furious. I’m furious because I’m aware that this is a pattern (work hard, then incapacitate myself with exhaustion) and I feel I’ve tried lots of things to help. I’ve been having early nights; taking Wednesday afternoons off; and meditating. I’ve eaten well (mostly), stopped drinking (mostly) and even cut down on coffee. I’ve been exercising regularly, doing activities I enjoy. I’ve turned down TWO PIECES OF WORK – which literally never happens.
So you can imagine my frustration when, after a choppy fortnight, I decided this week would be a fresh start…only to be stuck down. I woke in the night on Monday feeling like I’d eaten a razor blade (my throat has always been my weak spot – my barometer that something’s not right) and have spent two days (and counting) in bed, feeling broken. Luckily it’s a quiet-ish week, but it has meant cancelling lots of things that I usually look forward to, as well as butting up against deadlines (for a chronically early person, this is stressful!)
I just feel…over it. (I also feel a little bit ashamed – after all, compared to parents who’ve been home schooling for months, I haven’t really got anything to complain about.) I want to understand why I keep burning out so often, so that I can make meaningful changes. But that means being brutally honest with myself.
On March 1st – and possibly, looking back, the trigger for this – I made a huge ‘to do’ list for the month ahead. I thought it would make my head clearer to list all the different elements of work, and break down the ‘must dos’ and ‘would like to dos’ for them all. It’s five pages, and to be honest, I think I toned it down a bit. There’s always so much I want to accomplish, and I generally end each month thinking I could have done more.
A particular tension for me is the balance of types of work: the bread-and-butter income; the regular projects; and my excitement to start something new, just for myself. I haven’t worked out a good system. It often means that, while I’m busy spinning one plate, another drops. (And of course it’s always the projects that are ‘for me’ that I have to be prepared to put down first). It means that even in a month that’s gone well on paper (I’ve made money, haven’t let anyone down, and kept up with things) I feel I should have been pushing more into new areas. I worry that without this constant push, my career starts to feel static and time just drifts away. (I know that this isn’t reality – but as a feeling it’s a hard one to shake sometimes, especially when I’m tired).
This is definitely a topic I want to return to, and I’m super curious about how you manage this challenge too. Do you juggle different types of work? How do you divide up your time?
I put a huge amount of pressure on myself – in terms of work, but also in pretty much every other area of life too.
A good example is cooking – my husband and I alternate weeks, and in my week I worry: Is this healthy enough? Is it varied enough? Is it boring to do the same things? Is it too complicated to do too many new recipes? Can we really have a second recipe using X ingredient - where’s the balance? Will it take up too much of my time? Will I mess this up? How can I make it easier without resorting to junk food?....
That’s just to give you an idea how the inside of my brain works - I am a classic over thinker. And I suspect lots of self-employed women probably are – we do, after all, have to be everything to a business, and can’t ever really focus on just one element of it.
Blanket rules don’t seem to help with avoiding burn out. I think what I need is a more flexible ‘if…then’ approach.
What’s working already?
I feel better when I exercise, but not at the cost of sleep. If I’m tired, it’s better to miss it, or swap it for something easy (yoga/walking).
I feel better when I eat well, but not if it stresses me out. Sometimes a relaxed pizza is healthier than a fraught vegetable stew!
Wednesday afternoons off are brilliant (but don’t make up for proper holiday time.)
Off-loading, especially to other self-employed women. I love our monthly accountability sessions so much (and highly recommend giving one a try if you’re overwhelmed too.)
What do I need to change?
I need to book in some proper time off. At least one full day, once a month. I need to plan it in advance and not budge once it’s in the diary.
Let something go. Not forever, but just for a while. I need to work out one priority per month (other than my on-going work) and have faith that these baby steps will be enough to get me where I need to be. [More on faith, here]. This is the one I am going to struggle with, but I hope that writing it down is a start!
Be more Jeff Goldblum. In general because, legend, but specifically in Jurassic Park when he says something like: ‘you were so busy asking if you could, you didn’t stop to think if you should’. That’s exactly it with work - I say yes to things, or get excited to come up with ideas, when all too often they’re not pushing me towards my goals, but distracting me from the important stuff. I can’t do everything, so I need to get smarter about what I take on.
Social media strictness. It not only wastes my time, but I feel it brings some bad energy into my working days. It’s hard to give it up because, sadly, it’s so inter-connected with my work, but I am going to set a rule to only check it at the start and end of the working day – anything else can wait.
And for something fun, I’ve decided to try out the Anti-Burnout Club, which has various monthly challenges and events, including yoga and breathwork (not an ad – I just think it looks great!)
Thanks for sticking with me through a self-indulgent issue. Next week normal service will resume. But in the meantime, I’d love to know how you’re getting on and how you cope with burn out. April is Stress Awareness Month, so let me know if there’s anything you’re struggling with, and let’s all have a big mental re-set together!
Events for March:
This month’s accountability chat will be on Friday 26th at 11am. Free to all Patreons, but you’re welcome to try one out before signing up too - just drop me a line. Everyone’s welcome, and it’s a great way to off-load about any stresses, celebrate your wins, and set some public goals for the coming month.
How To Stay Motivated When The World is Falling Apart. Did you know there are five different personality types when it comes to motivation? It might explain why your current methods aren’t working for you. Come along to this webinar on March 16th and discover the secrets to your motivation - and how to keep it running high, whatever life throws at you. Lots of time to ask specific questions too. Free to Full Time Colleagues, or tickets available to buy here.