DIY urgency

For when life, apparently, isn't hard enough!

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Morning, Colleague

Ok, so if you're having an absolutely manic week, feel free to ignore me/troll me/whatever feels right, but does anyone else ever dread a work week with no plans? I don't mean without any work, but when work is your only plan...

Let me explain that a bit better.

My work is fairly unstructured, just by its nature. In a given month I will have some fixed deadlines, but unless an article is related to breaking news I can generally decide myself when I actually sit down and write the things. A week might be peppered with interviews, but, again, I can largely put them in my diary whenever suits. (Unless it’s with the stunt woman who played Victoria Beckham in Spice World the Movie - I spoke to her last week and was willing to give her literally any time slot she wanted, because…legend.)

The habit I completely deplore in myself is that, assuming the work I have doesn't actually require a 9-5 effort every single day, I have a tendency to stretch it out. You know that thing about goldfish growing to fit the size of their bowl? I can drag an article out for a full day even if it could be done in an hour or two. Speaking to some self-employed friends it turned out that lots of them do the same, so I figured maybe you suffer from it too.

I wish I could just say to myself: 'Lizzy, for fuck's sake, write the piece quickly and then take the rest of the day off', but there's some kind of weird office-residual-guilt that makes me want to sit at my desk (even if it's to watch Twitter implode) until a 'respectable' time to clock off.

The only thing that seems to make a difference is to create my own urgency, by which I mean booking in something during the day - an exercise class, supermarket run or coffee with a friend - that restricts my desk time and gives me that slight adrenaline 'will I actually get this done in time' feeling. I'm sure it can't be particularly healthy to need that extra stress, but on the other hand it does mean I get to do other healthy things (exercise, socialising, purchasing vegetables, etc) - which is surely one of very few self-employment perks.

It's a delicate balance, because a diary that's too full of these things can create panic and resentment. I had a week that was packed out with house-or-health-related stuff (nothing terribly glam: people coming to fix things, a decorator doing some painting, a dental appointment) and felt very anxious come Sunday about how I would fit everything in.

Sometimes I feel frustrated that friends/family assume I am free at any time because of being self-employed, when actually I am better suited to working at specific times, or might secure a last-minute commission that means dropping everything. (Even though it’s entirely my fault for not talking to them about it and also - as is probably becoming clear - I am quite fickle in how I feel about time and work in any given week).

Yet, looking at a week with no exterior plans makes me feel a bit anxious too - will I find enough work to fill those hours, or will I sit around feeling the 'oh god I don't have enough work' money panic while doom-scrolling?

And maybe that’s part of it: when I’m busy, I feel less worried about not earning or achieving ‘enough’. It would probably benefit me to have either some unstructured work time for big-picture thinking, or to actually do some relaxing instead of feeling like Monday to Friday has to be packed out. (WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?)

Do you feel this urge to pack your week too? Or have I lost it?

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