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Morning, Colleague
There’s something about birthdays, isn’t there? Maybe it’s because mine, this Thursday, is one ending in a 5, and 5s and 0s always feel particularly poignant. In a world keen to compartmentalise us, it’s easy to be persuaded that each five year segment of life should have ushered in particular changes — whether that’s being at a certain point in your career, having children, wealth, how well travelled you are, whether or not you’re married… the list of boxes many of us feel required to tick off is somewhat exhausting.
I try to rise above it, but a year of being stuck at home with nothing to do other than mentally rake over my past/present/future has left me feeling it a bit. I’m on the cusp of 35, and while I’m in no way unhappy with my lot, there are certain milestones I imagined I would have hit by now, both personally and professionally. I thought I would be rising up some big media company, and perhaps be editing a magazine. I thought I would be living nearer my family. I thought I would be a mother. At the very least I thought I’d have a dog!
I’m not here to have a pity party — some of those ideas no longer fit with what I actually want (I don’t think I could stand to go back into traditional employment, and editing actually doesn’t interest me as much as writing), while others I am actively working towards. Turning 35, contrary to what the patriarchy would have me believe, doesn’t mean certain life doors will slam in my face as the clock strikes midnight. My life is a work in progress, as am I. And for the most part, I’m enjoying the journey. After all, over the years I’ve gotten lots of things I didn’t necessarily want, and they’ve turned out to be much better than the things I’d actually been hoping for.
But I did think that, if you were feeling some of the same pressures, it might be helpful to get some expert advice. Step up, Sarah Gregg, psychologist and author of Choose Happy: Easy Strategies to Find Your Bliss.
“I think it’s more common than we realise that people worry about not being where they ‘should’ be,” says Sarah. “One of the ways that some people deal with it is to pick up a productivity planner and be more aggressive in making plans. But the key is to step behind the feeling. What’s driving the behaviour is a lack of self worth.”
And, like everything else, things have been worsened by the pandemic. “We’ve relinquished a lot of our control. I have a lot of friends who would like to meet someone, but that’s been held up. Our careers have been held up too, and our reliance on external validation has become more evident.”
I think that’s something even the most confident self-employed person can relate to at times. After all, we don’t necessarily have people telling us we nailed a piece of work this week, or eyeing us up for promotions. But, if it helps, those aren’t the right environments for building self worth anyway…
Going full-on with Carrie’s 35th birthday for this issue, sorrynotsorry
So how do you get out of a low self worth rut?
There’s no quick fix, but it is all about teeny tiny baby steps. “Self improvement is a direction of travel, not a state of being,” says Sarah. “But it can help you navigate the flux of life with greater ease.”
While I know many people feel that ‘sitting with their feelings’ is about as tempting as ‘sitting on Matt Hancock’s lap’, there is, according to Sarah, nothing to fear within yourself: “So many of us think we’re bad or broken, but you’re good. Every behaviour has a positive intention, it’s just understanding how to work with that feeling.”
Here are her three steps to shaking off the ‘should’s
Self-validate.
We all want to be loved and valued, it’s human nature, but craving validation from other people can lead to depression and other issues. “Those parts of me overrode every other part of me until 2016,” says Sarah. “I realised I was spending my time censoring my thoughts, and I’d ticked every box that I ‘should’ have ticked, until I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I decided to take control back, and I feel at ease now.”
You know that glowing feeling you get when someone pays you a compliment — why should you have to wait? Just like the best birthday presents are often the ones we buy ourselves (My Little Pony pyjamas. No judgement please), positive vibes can actually mean more when they’re internal. “Often we know what we need to hear from someone else, and we can give it to ourselves,” says Sarah. “It’s about taking the time to say: ‘It’s ok, it will happen. You’re doing the best you can.’”
As a part of this mental makeover…it’s a cliché but it works… write down three things each night in a journal that you can celebrate from the day. “Human nature is always to focus on what isn’t going well. I struggle with it myself, but celebrating your small wins helps you take your power back,” says Sarah. “Often we overlook small, consistent steps, but it’s these things that make the difference.”
Read more about the power of celebrating small wins, and how it can actually make you more productive.
Remember that life isn’t a video game.
“This idea is so embedded in our language — we even talk about ‘levelling up’ or ‘taking things to the next level’,” says Sarah. It’s so true. My birthday certainly has seen me examining some notional ‘levels’ of achievement, and where other people I know sit on them. Are they ‘ahead of’ or ‘behind’ me? But this is life, not Mario bloody Kart.
“Accepting your humanness allows you to stop the struggle, and get in touch with your own internal barometer of success. If we don’t understand what success looks like to us, we’re more likely to make comparisons. It’s like trying to work out your height compared to other people when you don’t actually know how tall you are,” says Sarah.
So how exactly do you measure your own success (without looking over your shoulder?) “Ask: ‘is this enough for me? Does this feel right for me?’ I had a friend who was pushing for a promotion, and eventually she stopped and realised, ‘actually what I have is enough’. It’s a shift in values, and it’s about having the trust and the safety to say: this is enough,” says Sarah.
[I like to think that if life were a video game, it would be Animal Crossing. Not much changes day-to-day, but over time you can chip away at challenges by being consistent. Also your neighbours should pop round with gifts, and I could run a tiny museum.]
3. Realise it’s normal to feel this way.
The feeling of not having enough, or being enough, is, according to Sarah, part of what makes humanity great. It’s what keeps us pushing forward and developing as a species. So it’s hardly surprising, therefore, that the fear of not doing/being/achieving enough is a common one.
If you’re struggling with feeling like you’ve missed out on one of life’s opportunities, spend a bit of time sitting with your emotions (as challenging as that can feel). “Life is hard and sometimes, if you’re not where you want to be, you have to grieve and accept that, especially with things like relationships or children, which involves a different set of emotions to your career,” says Sarah.
“It’s about acceptance and not resisting. So much is out of our control, but it’s already hard and painful, without trying to think yourself out of it. Unhappiness is often wrestling with reality. Negative emotions can act as a clarifying force, and light up the things in life that we need to adjust. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen.”
If you need me, I’ll be grabbing 35 by the balls.
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